The Joy Of Sex [Scrabble]

Why being a cunning linguist is better than a night out on the tiles...

As an individual who has always enjoyed and delighted in the competitive side of sex with every orgasm - given or received - being deservedly be classified as a ‘win’, I consider myself to be something of a connoisseur on the subject of ‘sex games’. Or, perhaps more specifically; games involving a (potentially) sexual component.

I’ve written previously about ‘Strip Twister’ or, as it is otherwise known; a thinly veiled excuse to quickly get naked and intimate with a group. Not until you’ve played yourself can you truly understand the thinking behind making the playing mat wipe clean.

But as much fan as Strip Twister - and indeed almost any game you care to mention with the word ‘strip’ arbitrarily bolted to the front - is, there’s a degree of randomness to it which, while often fun, somewhat removes a player’s agency. Unimportant for most games (unless you happen to be as competitive as myself, in which case it’s infuriating) but a *vital* aspect of sex. Fucking is *all* about choice. And while it’s true that sometimes restricting choice can be fun in and of itself, the point is that you’ve made the choice to do that. Arbitrary limits are far less fun. Unless the point is to find exciting ways to circumvent them, but that’s a whole different story and i’ll try to avoid an early digression!

The tl;dr point to take from the above waffle is that, in my experience, sex games based on randomness (or in the case of Strip Twister; the whims of the individual spinning the wheel) are far less exciting than sex games based upon participant choice.

Which is why, without question, Sex Scrabble is the definitive sex game.

Here’s why:

The rules are delightfully simple. It’s Scrabble. You are given random letters and must spell words for points. Easy.

The sex version is no different, except the aim is to specifically spell out lewd acts and rude words rather than score points. Why? Because once a word is played one of the other players must enact it. A double word score means *two* other players must participate, while a triple word score means you’re almost guaranteed a lovely time.

And that’s it. Simple. The definitive sex game. An element of random but that also features plenty of choice, tactical thinking and maximum potential fun, in every sense of the word.

The following is my best recollection of a game played by myself, a few friends and new acquaintances. Sadly it’s far from a play by play account as a truly ridiculous volume of alcohol had been consumed by all participants prior to the game kicking off (it’s very much a ‘last ones standing’ set-up) so I freely admit this will be, at best, a highly skewed ‘edited highlights’.

Unwilling to let a good night out die, a small group of us had found ourselves back at my place in the pursuit of further merriment. The six stubborn ‘never say die’-ers were myself, my friends Charlie (regular readers will know her well), Lisa and Matt, Charlie’s on-off fuck buddy Cameron, and Harry, a guy only known to Cameron but who had apparently already become ‘one of the gang’. For context; Myself, Charlie and Lisa had long since lost any sense of shame when it came to being inappropriate either in front of or indeed with each other, having at various stages either lived together or at the very least played equally dubious games in each other’s company.

I suggested we play Scrabble. I could see where the night was going and I figured we may as well accelerate plans before drunken lethargy kicked in. Such was everyone’s inebriated state, everyone thought it was a wonderful idea. Charlie and Cameron had played before. Frankly, they should have known better.

Given that half of the players were seasoned veterans and everyone involved seemed the creative sort, I took it upon myself has host to declare that we would play the *advanced* version of the game. In this variation players can make up words to describe sexual acts but can also be challenged on these words. If it’s challenged and turns out to be real (according to the Urban Dictionary) then it automatically counts as a triple word score. If it’s challenged and proven to be a lie then the player must immediately partake in a vile forfeit.

It makes for a very high stakes game.

We also decided that rather than the standard ‘acts performed by player on your left’ rules, as is more common when couples are playing, we’d instead play the ‘Dealer’s Choice/First refusal’ variation. Here, the player has free choice in who must perform the act but cannot select the same player two turns in a row, and each player is granted a set number of refusals. If a player isn’t willing to choose the act can also be randomised.

As you can imagine, by the time I’d drunkenly outlined all of these rules and regulations all players were beginning to wish they’d simply gone home instead.

Nevertheless, the board was set up, more alcohol was poured and letter tiles were allocated. The game was underway.

Unlike regular Scrabble, not much tends to happen in the first few rounds. You have to be incredibly lucky to get something suitably lewd from the outset, plus invariably most folk are reluctant to play something too substantial or momentous too soon. Instead, most sacrifice tiles for re-draws, hoping to find something suggestive but not *too* outrageous to establish a tone.

I meanwhile was considering making up a hugely vulgar word to get things going, but knew I’d almost certainly be challenged by Charlie, and didn’t want to run the risk of going bust first turn. I’m too damn competitive for my own good.

Instead, everyone passed their turn three or four times before Lisa managed to draw some lucky tiles.

She played CHEST and selected Harry.

Now, the real beauty of the game lies in the fact that it’s not up to the player to explain the intent of the word, but is instead up to the act performer to interpret. (Definitions are allowed, hence the challenge rule). Harry immediately unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his chest and, presumably deliberately, his really quite impressive abs. He seemed quite pleased at the reaction this garnered from the females at the table, and the subtle jealousy that seeped from the chaps.

“And there was me thinking Lisa was inviting you to feel her tits…” I said, aiming for an informative and supportive tone of encouragement for a new player, but instead sounding like an unbearably smug know-it-all.

“Fuck!: declared Harry, now beginning to truly comprehend the depth and genius of the game.

The game was now truly underway.

Some early gentle plays included:

LICK - Cameron licked Charlie’s nose.

HONK - I squeezed Lisa’s tits.

BITE - Matt nibbled my earlobe.

TONGUE - Harry and I tickled each other’s tongues.

In short, it was all very light hearted and playful. Very giggly and silly. People were deliberately circumventing actions that could have been taken down seedier routes. Perhaps I’d misjudged the company and we’d end the gathering on a civilised note?

Charlie played ERECT.

“Trust me, I already am!” laughed Harry.

“Then I’m afraid you’re going to have to prove it.”

Oh dear. That’d done it. It’d been playful and silly but once you hit actual nudity there’s not really any going back. Who’d been the one to lower the tone?

I was genuinely as surprised as anyone when I realised that I’d been the one who said it.

There was a slight pause as everyone knew we were hovering on the precipice of a ‘there’s no going back from here’ moment. The pause ended in applause when Harry, without comment, produced his cock from his jeans.

He was indeed erect. It was impossible not to notice, hence the applause.

On Harry’s next turn he figured he may as well go for broke and played SUCK. In an attempt to be gallant he elected to randomise the performer. He ended up rolling Lisa.

Who sucked his finger.

Maybe the evening would be saved!

I played WANK.

Maybe not.

I’d been quietly hoping Cameron would have taken a generous definition of the word, and set to work on me, but instead he played the obvious route; by getting his cock out and stroking.

It turns out that the general rule appears to be that at a civilised gathering one erect penis can be politely ignored. *Two* erect penises and civility can go fuck itself.

The bubble burst and any attempts at cheeky playfulness were now dispensed with for sheer filth.

UNDERWEAR saw mine removed, while NAKED had Charlie stealing everyone’s eye-line.

FONDLE paused the game for several full minutes as, for some inexplicable reason, we all found it hilarious. The fact it was on a triple word score perhaps helped, as we formed what can only be described as a very handsy conga-line. The same was true when Harry expressed his legitimate fury when someone cruelly utilised the B he had apparently been saving for TEABAG.

The tone plummeted quickly. Cameron played either ANAL or possibly ANUS and got a surprise when Charlie stuck her finger in his arse. I played RIDING and enjoyed sitting on Harry’s face for a turn. Lisa at some stage played ORAL and did more or less the same.

My proudest achievement was bluffing that ‘Triolick’ could be found on UD as meaning ‘tongued by three people at once’.

I’m reasonably sure that at some stage when I was briefly out of the room for drink top-up the rules became someone lax and/or cheating was accepted or encouraged - not by me I hasten to add who was keen to win legitimately - because within the same round upon my return words like DOGGY, FACIAL and EJACULATE magically all appeared at once.

To all intent and purposes, the game ended there.

The night however did not.

But I’m sure you don’t need me to spell it out.